Ooooh. That's not a mole. Uncomfortable.
did you hook up at the wedding?
No but I jerked off on the hotel sheets. I wanted to get my moneys worth.
She challenged me to a game of rock-paper-scissors for her virginity. I love this girl.
He warned me he may piss the bed. I'm oddly okay with this.
I swear, if he gets me a bowling ball for Christmas, I will throw it at him.
there are 5 pictures on my phone from last night, 4 are too blurry to recognize and the 5th is you dangling a twizzler over your mouth, naked.
Had sex on a washing machine in a pool of beer. Can you say success.
After he was done he gave me a case of landshark and tickets to tomorrows yankee game. This is the best nonrelationship ever
You're an idiot. I have LIVED as a cautionary tale of what happens when you drink too much and stick your dick in crazy, HAVE YOU LEARNED NOTHING?
I wish I could have a tequila IV with me all the time. Intravenous tequila intoxication.
I just sneeze out a chunk of leftover pickle I threw up last night. dont you try and tell me your day is going worse
On a scale from 1-10 how fucked up would it be to buy weed with my fafsa money?
It's a study aid
How much glitter would I have to ingest in order for a "magnificent" amount to appear in my ejaculate?
Remember those neighbors I thought were FBI agents? Turns out they're DEA.
The bartender remember my drink from last sat. I think we just became drocals...drunk. locals.
Randomize
