Freshman orientation day on campus. Dear diary, JACKPOT.
Disregard any previous text from the past 12 hours. Except for the one about scoring a strike while drunk bowling. Remember that one.
Def walking back to my apt with a blender, an empty vodka bottle, and a half eAtn drumstick cone.
I baptized my dog in my pool last night because he snapped at my party guests, how was your night?
There is this threesome scene that is literally 10 minutes of straight fucking
Omg so it's educational?
College: when you wake up drunk without pants and wearing a Cosby sweater
I just washed my birth control down with captain because I don't have any water and I need to wash the blood off my face before I leave my room.....
Remember when I said I had my shit together?
WHY THE FUCK IS MY BATH TUB FILLED WITH MUD?!
1. You were drunk 2. You wanted a mud bath\n3. We tried to talk you out of it, but you kept throwing dirt at us
Successful first night. Lost my phone. Front desk found it. Earthquake in wine country. Didn't feel it.
Right now you and beer are my only friends.
You're a hot mess, you know that?
At least I'm a FUN hot mess. Like a train crash full of pizza, fireworks and glitter.
Putting a bow on your dick doesn't make it a real present
not only was there glitter in the toilet after i peed, but there was some on the toilet paper after i wiped. this cant be healthy.
I just took like 30 condoms from the doctors office... no one can say I don't try to save my money.
Just used a NyQuil cup to take a shot. This night is headed nowhere good.
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