Bro, I met the coolest hottest chick tonight and she has the hottest friends.
Where are you?
Strip Club
She STILL went home with me even when I said yes when she asked if I had an infectious disease. Turns out she asked if I had an infectious spirit...well she has my infectious spirit now
I'm in new territory... I've never had to convince a guy to let me give him head as an apology.
Who topped off the "random beer mix" beer bong with a pinch of pepper?? All you could taste was busch and pepper...
Is everything ok? Last time I missed your call you were being arrested.
You're not supposed to support this behaviour, btw the judge recognized me
Dude found out there's an open bar at the celebration of life thing for my grandma which is at noon. Now I know why I can drink so much
Should i put up a tasteful banner for your party that says last chance to sleep with maya?
She just pored wine down the turkeys hole and said that she christened it like the whore that it is...happy thanksgiving.
I SHIT YOU NOT a mailman helped me leave without waking him up.
Like sorry you chose to have an attractive girlfriend dude
Do you have pictures of my pancakes
I need to show the world
They are the pancake equivalent of eventual wife
Its really hard to get off when the googly eyes on your vibrator stare into your soul..
Realization: many of my behaviors would lead to me being stoned to death in a lot of foreign countries. God bless America.
He started out in my roommates bed and by the end of the night was in mine, not sure how that went down. But he left happy in the morning.
Randomize
