I just saw a man vacuming his front lawn. What is this world coming to?
Blowjobs in the shower are a lot like blowjobs not in the shower. Awesome.
He lectured me about the dangers of drugs while wearing a sombrero and doing interpretive dance.
some girl just asked me if I was that guy that hooked up with nine girls in one night. officially a local celebrity. gonna try and autograph her boobs.
He sent me a picture of his ass and said the backdoor is open. Almost grabbed my keys and a condom before I saw it was a group text. Not nearly drunk enough for his desperation.
She just kept introducing me to people by telling them which of their friends I've fucked
YOU NEED TO STOP BLOWING DUDES ON MY COUCH AT MY PARTIES
YOU NEED TO STOP PROVIDING TEQUILA AT YOUR PARTIES
i have a queen bed, a cherrywood bed frame, and gold sheets. how are you saying no to me right now?
I'm taking tokes in the bath tub, come if you want, I'm naked and you have to bring chicken nuggets or else you can't come in
she genuinely believed that kangaroos are a cross between a deer and a T-rex
What part of don't open in front of your kids didn't you understand? Astroglide, magnums, fuzzy handcuffs and a blindfold are going to be hard to explain as friends presents.
I preemptively put on a cape before eating a bunch of weed brownies. Best decision ever.
So what if you don't want to be with your family. Go drink alone and watch Netflix like a normal person, don't be productive!
YOU FUCKED THE DARE INSTRUCTOR DIDN'T YOU?
I'm going to use this quarantine time to improve my blowjob skills.
Randomize
