that girl last night was a 15
wait she was 15?
no like black jack not sure if you should hit it
But I don't consider them one night stands. They're auditions.
I'm going to take the bottles back.. And maybe get an x-ray
Were you really trying to feed me potato chips while I was sitting on the toilet?
Home. Barefoot. Drunk. Crying. Puked. Brushed teeth. Washed face. Dying. Need Cuddle.
I want to let you in on my two latest life goals. Have a photograph of me squirting whipped cream into a midget's mouth, and have sex on a roof.
Then I hope you find a set of extremely intelligent, flexible triplets in the ethnicity of your choice.
That is the nicest thing anyone has ever wished for me
I may not have eyeballs after all the drunk naked people having sex outside.
I have family pictures in an hour and a half and I'm 9 beers deep. This is how I get written out of my grandparents will...
From time to time I think I'm happy for a second and then I remember how a guy stopped me from giving him head on my birthday weekend.
I felt that there wouldn't be enough planB and forgiveness to go around
Beat the bartender in a shot challenge for a free tab. I won that, and him. I never get tired of the "this is my first time with a guy.." bullshit.
How do you even...
The magic of Christmas. And whiskey, of course.
So he got the TA job but i told him its not official until we have a quickie on his desk. He offered to break into his office. He doesnt start until this fall.
Again. I'm very sorry I tried to poke your eye out. You've been aware of my inability to aim since day one.
I just got called the stable friend. This makes me super uncomfortable
Randomize
