even through the webcam i could tell he was aiming for my face/hair
jusi got death stares at taco bell because I asked if Denise was working.
I just got this text "hi this is Julie, I met you last night in the bathroom. You asked me to text you and remind you that you ate an entire lime, because you figured your sober self in the morning would be confused."
You stuck your entire fist into a full jar of peanut butter and starting assaulting people
Well, when he's back from China he's probably gonna be pissed I used the spare key he gave me to prove to everyone I'm fucking an NBA player. We took all his booze too.
I feel like I grabbed someones dick last night, & if I didn't I'll be disappointed in myself
Well my ankle is fucked up, everytime it pops I have a reminder of $200. Jager bomb night and the day we began to rebuild our friendship.
Imagine cans of beer raining. Like not hitting you and hurting you. Just gently falling into your hand whenever you're sad
Hey dude this is some next level no homo shit but im gonna get 2 tickets to the opera and go Hail Mary on this one girl. U take the extra ticket if i fail.
On one hand it was kinda weird his girlfriends stuff was at his apartment. On the other hand it was kinda nice because she had great shampoo
I recently had a rabies scare because I thought putting socks on my hands to pick up a squirrel that got in my house was a good idea.
I found my weird threshold when Truth or Dare became everyone get naked and snort Adderall off the kitchen counter.
I'm ready to get married, then we can lie around watching anime and eating pizza while he rubs baby oil on me
If I got paid for every bad decision I've made I would be one rich bitch by now
He will forever be known as the toe sucker who may or may not have been a father
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