You were running around the house with a purple crayon asking people to call you harold..
the arrest was probably divine intervention, cause i think we were heading to an ill-advised threesome.
I just made a steamroller out of a christmas ornament. I feel so festive.
The heaters out again. Makin a fire in thebroke toilet for warmth.
Is there any chance I can see you without pouring vodka on your head?
i wasn't going to tell her about the threesome but i had to explain the tree and the green paint everywhere
Apparently I told the girl smoking was terrible for her, and then requested it in my mouth.
Why was there a 1000 piece puzzle covered in hot sauce being cooked in the microwave?
Yea we had fun. Lost my wallet some girl has it. Sarah fell asleep in a cab and ended up at some wawa. It was cray. She's home now
Life is so difficult sometimes. Can you imagine? Going through life, constantly creating boners everywhere you go.
A milkman. But instead of milk I'm delivering marijuana. And instead of a milk truck it's an armored car.
You're a weed delivery man, in an armored car?
I didn't tell that thing I wasn't coming over. Whoops
You know you haven't dated in a while when you call boys "that thing" and call dates "a boy type thing."
I'm super depressed and stressed and I just want spaghetti and sex...
And I mean really who loses their phone in a tree
I woke up handcuffed to a bed wearing nothing but an army belt. Does this count as thanking our country?
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