Di me a solid and hit me with your car.
They should make Jack Daniels chap stick
The lawn was on fire, but I fixed it.
I'm sorry. But when a stripper driving a Bentley tells me I have potential..... I gotta at least listen to her proposal. God did not mean for me to waste these tits on law school.
Around noon tomorrow come looking for me. I'll be on Mill wearing whatever clothes I haven't lost yet. DO NOT REPLY. DO NOT ASK QUESTIONS. JUST DO IT.
Puked in the trees at home depot, I told everyone it was fertilizeerr
You fucked him. I baby bird fed him whiskey . I feel like we've bonded.
Vegas is great, yelled at a guy 4 lanes over if he wanted a bj. ended up having sex in a vacant lot. I think he was homeless.
Can we talk about how i am holding a tupperware container of my own puke in the back of my grandparents car while my sister drives
I may or may not have just let Ash Ketchum capture my wild Pikachu in a parking lot.
Some guy named spider just bought me 5 shots
I have no idea what happened last night, but my pee is neon green.
Nothing says "I'm sorry for shitting in your bed" like an Olive Garden gift card
Speaking of lightening speed, he ate me out while I was watching The Flash. If that's not winning at life idk what is
if i hadn't ended our catfight by hugging you one of us might be dead right now
Randomize
