i may not always bang 16 year olds but when i do, i prefer hot ones
It's finally official that I am from Oklahoma. I'm currently sleeping with my ex-fling's brother.
jusi got death stares at taco bell because I asked if Denise was working.
Uh, also, Rob told me he felt bad for choking you.
bad sex. bad bad bad. it was like trying to pick up an overcooked noodle with an empty pringles can. why do these guys always seem to find me?
Did you make me take pictures of your ass last night because you fucked on some wet paint or did i dream that?
You have not lived until you've puked on your sequined UGGs in the Rite Aid parking lot while going to buy emergency contraceptives.
Made out with a mannequin all morning in cpr training, so im ready to party
He's the first man I've met that knows more about Harry Potter than I do. He shops at Goodwill and has a Game of Thrones cookbook in his apartment. This is my soulmate.
"Where are you? Where are my keys? What is this guys name again? Why am I wearing two pairs of your pants?"
Your next boyfriend should be from MENSA...you're so smart, it's intimidating as fuck. My penis retracted in fear.
I don't trust his life but I trust his penis.
I just want my kids to know I fucked some really hot dudes before their father.
You're going to scar your kids
When is the right time to ask your new roommate for her school schedule so she doesn't walk in on you fucking some rando in the kitchen in the middle of the afternoon?
I woke up beside him and almost cried. Then I realized you were on the other side so I knew I hadn't made any bad decisions.
Randomize
