best part he said "i like your tattoo" as he walked into the room, stood right there looking at me, naked on top of his friend
Watching marley and me... this girls got me whipped man
You've got more to offer than just money. Come on. You have an awesome rack.
He kept saying that the puke outside the theater wasn't his and it was all a set up to keep him from partying with the whores. Then he passed out on the sidewalk.
when the police officer said he was gonna take a picture of the car accident, you asked if you should pose on the hood
Fucking plugged the shower with taquitos I just threw up.
Last night: Repeatedly yelled about how the fishbowl tasted like blue, stole a stranger's hat, hugged the DJ for playing my request, made out with my roommate, and abandoned the guy I dragged to the club in the first place
This morning: Hat doesn't fit, hangover headache is blue, and I can't move without getting lightheaded
Listen when they tell you not to drink after giving blood
Before you even think your day was worse than mine, I had to disinfect and and stitch another dude's penis after his prince Albert got ripped out by an angry chick.
He's just sitting there staring at my sisters teddy bear hoping it will come to life.
A "Tom-vomit" is when you puke but cough as it comes up, so you close you mouth as a natural reaction and the vomit is jet-propelled out your noise.
Also, if he asks how he's doing orally I can probably ask if we're exchanging Christmas presents?
What would I even say at the wedding? "Sorry that I still wouldn't sleep with you after four years of you trying...but hopefully my sister here isn't that stubborn" and give him an awkward pat on the back?
Banged a guy with 2 broken arms once. Top that
Dude. Don't do acid and go to Disney on ice. Hear my warnings. That snow monster will fuck your shit up.
Well when I woke up this morning I didn’t think I’d be masturbating to my own LinkedIn profile today but here we are
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