i tried to light my apt on fire. reasons why drunks and women should not cook
I don't usually arrange sex via text message
Why does lindsey know I was naked in the kitchen?
my mom just wingman'd for me at a bar. i really don't know what else to say.
He thought the strainer was a giant bowl to puke in.
The leasing office is hiring, so I gave them my resume and class schedule. I doubt they'll call me considering last summer at their "exotic animal" pool party I marched in with a funnel and demanded the employees chug. I doubt they've forgotten.
So I ripped my crotchless fishnet body suit when my drunk ass tried to crawl through the crotch to put it on.
Welp just pooped in a garbage can. Guess I'm not better than you at life in any aspect.
Okay so my USC tutor just offered to eat me out. I think I'm definitely applying to USC.
Almost to work. And still feel hungover. Like my body is trying to regenerate after dying. Full on zombie shit. But like, one of those zombies from warm bodies that comes back to life slowly.
We got banned from that Whataburger for life. WHATABURGER. Which is saying something. They deal with drunk dumbasses every night.
Tequila happens.
I have been drunk every time I've gone to mexico. I do not remember mexico.
So apparently dinosaur erotica does, in fact, exist.
Just found a note on the bed that said "Dear mittens, had to leave early I'll be back soon."
WTF? Are you mittens?
I am not even ashamed to say it, I got laid in the stairwell of the hotel, by a 29 year old. It was awesome!
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