Remind me to tell you about the dream where im a fighting a super hero whose only weakness is sunkist.
i ran around the party telling everyone that my favorite sexual position was also the only position that made me queef...i kept calling it the "double edged sword"
I'm functioning at the level of a challenged walrus.
you took my bottle from me saying i was unprepared for its magical qualities. then you buckled it in the backseat.
Alright dude i'm gonna go to go sleep off this soberness. my life is a cosmic joke
She is screaming bc she thinks you jumped out the window...please show her you just went out for a smoke
I took shots of absinthe with my mom just now. Except awful things.
i just want to be sober by dinner like is that too much to ask
The ONE weekend I don't put anything up my nose, and it decides to bleed like crazy
I wish I cared about making my vagina as presentable as you do.
Not sure. He doesn't know where New York is on a map but he gives an incredible spanking.
Who cares about New York?
Just in case the world ends tomorrow, I have an emergency contact group of booty calls I can send a quick "let's fuck" to before I die.
There is a pool of ranch salad dressing in my purse...I know thats always been something you've wanted to try..so don't even act like you didn't do this.
So after the absinthe shots_____(fill in the blank area for me please)......
Please stop telling my mom she doesn't have nipples when she's been drinking. You know shell show you. Forcefully.
Randomize
