Lesson learned: don't hide your vodka in your little brothers toy box.
i just found five singles in my underwear?! im suspicious but delighted none the less
I think I've hugged the toilet more times than I've hugged my own family members.
you woulda been proud of me tonight though. i only made out with 2 guys. and in my defense one of them was to get a job after graduation.
I got him a footlong to apologize for trying to push him off a balcony...
like a dude with a badge in a golf cart is gunna do shit. Unless he has a tazer. Then it's fair game.
when you wake up in a apartment hallway wearing someone else's shoes, you can pretty much assume last night was a success.
Siri just reminded me to pickup Plan B
This isn't fair. Why can't sober me be good at bejeweled?
You were doing bacon vodka shots and chasing them with barbecue sauce. You're officially fucking disgusting. I love you.
He found a way to charmingly ask me for a threesome and when I said no he made it sound like he was even happier. He's a fucking wizard
Vasectomy results are in. No swimmers in the water. REPEAT. No swimmers in the water. Come help me harness my new found super-power
I'm trying to get weird tonight. Like I want to see bitches crawling on all fours drinking milk from bowls and shit by 5 am. You down?
Here's a rundown of my night alone. Danced my ass off in the kitchen to FleetmacWood. Drank a little bit. Ordered $40 worth of Chinese food once the drinks kicked in. Picked up said Chinese in dirty sweatpants and slippers. #livinglife
Sexual Dilemma - Covid Edition: Flirting with a cute frat boy. The Cougar in me wants to go back to his frat house and fuck his cocky brains out. The adult in me doesn’t want to get Covid and have to quarantine in a frat house for 2 weeks\n
Randomize
