I got wasted for the 1st time and I sat in a fridge for 2 hours and a trash can?
gail simmons from food & wine magazine just heard me order my plan b pill
did you ask her what wine to pair it with?
i swear to god her finding her clit was like looking for a sock in a dryer full of beach towels
I am drinking ovaltine with peppermint schnapps. My childhood could have been so much better.
Lauren will drop me off I'll be drunk ride you for a little bit and then you can go to sleep
sorry. that wasn't for you
So i just found out i replied to my room mates craigslist ad. Akward
I'm surprised you like me... I didn't think I was your type.
Blonde hair and big tits is every guys type.
i looked up his schedule, waited outside his classroom, and handed him the receipt for plan b
He just stabbed two olives and a pickle with a fork and deep throated it in front of my family
Not even marginally surprised
Well no need to be a stranger, even if you aren't interested in joining my bisexual polygamist marriage. New city, new friends.
She gained 35 lbs and has an ankle bracelet, time for new booty call.
Remember that night I drank a bunch of vodka, pounded your Jameson because 'you were a pussy', punched you in the face and ran off as fast as my high heels could go? It was just my Russian and Irish sides fighting for genetic dominance
I sent him a cookie cake that said "Congratulations you're not a father"
It's sad that I'm more proud of my Twitter account then my resume
Doing shots with my high school valedictorian. Bucket list
Randomize
