update: the house isnt on fire anymore, but he is still pissing on all your stuff.
the house was on fire??
shit I thought I told you.
I'm outside your house...sorry I feel like I don't need formal invites anymore.
So then I told him that only a restaurant managed by a florida fan could run out of ketchup
I just saw at least a dozen senior citizens on roller blades. way to drunk for this.
So can we talk about how we all three made out with the bike taxi driver in lieu of paying him. I'm not even mad, that's resourceful. You know what married girls would have had to do? They'd have had to pay.
Oh you don't have to buy a shower curtain, I stole the one from her bathroom. It has dolphins on it.
i have two emotions: emotionless and blind with rage
Is it bad that all my wine bottles have teeth marks in the cork?
Just walk up to him nice, spread your legs like smooth peanut butter on toast and scream "LOOK AT MY BEAVER! LOOK AT IT!!"
I ended up in a bathroom giving my hymen a pep talk
this one kid was speed-mumbling about putting broccoli in the printer
I just got dropped off by that cop that pulled you over. Best sex ever! Consider that $140 ticket my birthday present.
Not sure what time I'll be home. I'm currently topless and the damn stripper won't give me my clothes back
It's okay that we broke up and all but it's not okay that he still has my Chick-fil-A calendar card. This month is free fries!
If we were unicorns we would fly together. Like in a pack. A pack of flying unicorns
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