if my vagina gave out awards, he should be preparing acceptance speaches for the oscar, the heisman and the nobel peace prize.
He told me he had an exgf. and didnt follow up with"and now i like guys."
just dd'd my mom home while she begged me to let her drunk dial my ex, jammed out to party in the usa, and then passed the fuck out. thanks for the genes mom.
as we were stuffing their 24 of beer into our bags you kept saying you wanted cheese strings. closest things we found were kraft singles. as the guys came up the stairs you kept screaming 'GET THE CHEESE! GET THE CHEESE!'
worse. her friends hid in the bathroom while she gave me head and then screamed surprise right as i was about to cum
Finished my senior thesis. How am I celebrating you ask? By drinking gas station white zif out of an empty candle holder by myself. I fucking deserve to graduate.
Fuck I keep finding new battle scars from our fight. Justin told me I stabbed you with a broom handle.. Do you remember ripping my pants off?
When you called me you were telling a hobo that you couldn't spare ten bucks bc that was your beer money. All your words were slurred.
Fuck him.
just in the smoking shack with my sister cheering on a caterpillar make its cocoon
Your father is wrapped in a table cloth singing, "America Fuck Yeah!" You are missing the time of your life.
Nothing says "First Single Holidays" quite like getting baked with the guy that took your virginity four years ago.
At the end of the night i was really thirsty and tied to a bedpost
He texts me "just to say hi" and then tells me how hard he is and sends me a dick pic. And I'm like, dude, I'm ordering a burrito right now
I feel like my foot is being amputated. Or maybe it's the vodka. I couldn't tell you.
You can’t judge a dick by its balls.
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