if one more of _____'s family tells me "you're next" i'm going to shoot myself. Thank god for gin (most protestant phrase ever at the most Jewish wedding ever)
Ask for a julep and start talking about how you much prefer the uncircumsized peen. that should probably stop them.
yah i'm on my way- is everything ok?
i'm holding a walmart bag of my own hot vomit that i closed up with some random chicks hair tie. we r pretty fucking far from ok
I gave up sex for lent.
I guess that means I'm postponing our date until after Easter.
whenever music plays i find myself always doing kegels to the beat. its like the new foot-tapping
We stopped her at 12
12 shots? Or 12 midnight?
Which answer would freak you out less
So the girl in front of me was buying champagne too .. I wanted to be like "so are you celebrating clean test results too?"
Her divorce is going to cut into the amount of time we spend fucking.
I'm in awe of how selfish that is.
Oddly enough when I decided to stop whoreing myself out... I lost most of my companionship.
i lost my airplane ticket and tried to board with a bar receipt in all the confusion. i have officially lost all brain cells in college.
we were shitfaced at work by 8pm. I had to stop myself from pouring vodka in everyone's cappuccino.
He googled the address of the bar, then sent me a text saying "6.3 miles. Too far. :( Apparently I am only worth a 5 mile radius.
im celebrating the fact lent is over and i can give blow jobs again.
I may be Daddy's little princess, but doesn't mean I can't be the blowjob queen.
At no time is it ever okay for my doctor to compliment my tattoos, when giving me a physical exam.......
all I'm saying is that my epic blow jobs have made grown professional football players cry in ecstasy
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