I left a bag of circus animal cookies in my car all day. they melted together into on giant cookie. this could either be the best or worst thing ever
Seriously though, we're going to drink and watch Survivor first one to puke gets voted off the island
The best part was that when I woke up, I poked her with my dick to wake her up, and said, "Hi, I'm Alex. Nice to meet you". Shoulda seen the look on her face. Priceless.
just once i'd like the "right thing" and the "topless thing" to be the SAME THING
Should I feel bad that I fucked her and made her ride my little brothers razor scooter home?
The bottle I was drinking out of splintered on the bottom, there was glass in my hand, I pulled it out with my teeth... Not the best night for Drunk Kevin
For the record, chili cheese fritos are not a chaser.
Just thought you should know that we coat checked our fairy wings last night. Getting belly up to the bar was way more important that wearing our costumes.
We wore fake mustaches and shirts that said team mustache ride to a party we weren't even invited to
I didn't ask for a picture of your soft dick.
Fucking holidays. How do I have this many men who want to fuck me and none of them are available when I'm ready to blow my top?
Yes. I am out of condoms. I kept filling them with glow paint and playing with them when I was on mushrooms, which resulted in me having unprotected sex last weekend
I got in an argument over whether or not I'm a slut. I argued yes.
Did you mark a random day on my calendar as National Seth Day?
Sounds like a legit day to me.
I seriously just rolled a joint on my high school diploma. I feel like I've come so far.
Randomize
