I bought a boat. Want to have sex on The Angry Clam? That's what I named it.
I think i sorta joined a cult last night
im at a bar with my dad last night and he got hit on more that I did
the best part about watching a meteor shower at 4 am is being able to masturbate in public and drink hot chocolate at the same time.
if i hear one more christmas song, i will fucking shoot myself.
Now we are really drunk and her 17 yr old cousin is shitfaced. He may or may not have proposed a toast to octopuses and double fisting. And we just drank to Mexico.
He called the drink "The Annexation of Puerto Rico". He wouldn't tell us whats in it but said that we should all fear for our lives. Let's do this.
Guess which fraternity was just playing car to car frisbee in the McDonald's drive thru! Did you guess mine?
And they were awkwardly all over each other in a Christian way.
That girl from the bar sent me a text saying that she wants to wear my cock as a hat. A cock hat. Is that good or bad?
I'm still drunk. I put on workout clothes this morning and just puked in my bathroom. That's the same as going to the gym, right?
Chugging this bottle of Jim at the airport is proving more difficult than I imagined. TSA is not amused.
Im playing a game I have to take a drink every time my gram asks me the same question hammered by 4 guaranteed...
I fucked a marine... I told him it was like personal revenge and he said he could live with that and that he didn't mind being used.
I've never sung with balls in my mouth
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