onenightstand. Woke up and saw my nuva ring on the floor. apparently he thought it was a glow stick. pick me up please?
he didnt ask why there was a glowstick shoved up your vag?
Playing hide and seek with all those cheeseburgers... Not our finest moment.
I made her a sippy cup with eggnog and whiskey. My meditation app told me to go the extra mile for someone today, so I did.
Im at target. Idk why I'm buying condoms AND a tutu for my cat. No one who dresses their cat up has ever gotten laid.
Life seems so much brighter and more vibrant after you have sex with a 20 year old. It's like how Kansas was in black and white and Oz was in technicolor.
A reason for us to be drunk all week National Singles Week
I had a dream about a vibrator with 42 different settings. If that's not a good indication I need to get laid, I don't know what is
It is completely possible to eat beef jerky sexually.
Yeah, this is not that. This is a father and son bonding moment involving my all of my orifices.
My liver is whispering mean things about me to my kidneys. It's a fucking miracle I'm not hungover. Lol
I agree with that homeless guy though, you do need a haircut
Like I didn't gracefully walk into these feelings. No, I fucking stumbled and fell face fucking first.
Aka I'm headed to the liquor store because I don't know how to handle my emotions.
I dont pretend to understand how the heterosexual mind works. Its a mysterious cavern of stupidity and disgusting sexual acts.
Holy. shit. Chris has no pants on. In public. Fuck. Need you.
Randomize
