no, he came in my armpit
I just saw how many times I called you last night. You're welcome.
how convenient is it that the kid i'm fucking lives right next to planned parenthood?
You don't have to be drunk! I've licked your asshole before
she went apple picking. why dont we do cute things like that? let's go to a pumpkin patch!
because we're not cute. we're sluts. and sluts don't go apple picking.
When you consider the sheer number of events that had to occur in order to prevent me from fucking her, there must be a god
She slapped his drink out of his hand to get him to leave the bar while he and I were having an intense debate about the lyrics to mmmbop
I said:" get your jacket, get your beer and get the fuck out of here"
Firing someone with a rhyme is the new high point in my life.
well at least now you can say you got an STD from the frontman of a band no one's heard of
fuck you.
Didn't have the heart to tell him that while he was eating my ass I was laughing, not moaning, into the pillow
I think he might be using me for sex. I also think I might be ok with that.
I tried to face swap with Chuck Norris. His face was too powerful... it broke my snap chat.
If I could steal your goatee and hide it under my bed to keep your from wearing it, I would.
Woke up with a padlock locked onto my ear gauge and the first of many sticky note clues on my chest leading to the key.
i doubt you are even in possession of a crowbar.
I suggest you not find out the hard way
Randomize
