So I accidentally txted this girl with the same name as the one im seeing, as it turns out shes still dtf
so i woke up this morning covered in mail. none of it is mine.
this kid is using one arm to help his buddy with a keg stand, and the other arm to hold up the chick he's making out with.
Just heard one of my friends say, "if you're trying to take advantage of me I really dont care. I just want this beer." ..
A small child is toddling around the store, holding a coloring book and a shot glass. Thinking of you.
The realization of how permanent those tattoos really were set in this morning... I am SO sorry.
He's laying next to me passed out dressed as a hooters girl
I bet he's a super pretty hooters girl
You're not drunk til you wake your roommates up screaming at your ceiling fan
I wish university was like frosh week all the time and then they just give you a degree for surviving
We're trying to make our wedding vows nice but meeting on OkCupid fucks that up entirely.
My dad lost his bandaid somewhere in the turkey. It was a mixture of thanksgiving and an Easter egg hunt
I told my therapist about the other night and he actually whistled and said "wow that is not good."
I wonder whether Megan will forgive me if i have phone sex in her attic
Sorry I wasn't opportunistic about sucking your dick in an Uber last night
I stole $10 from the guy I hooked up with last night.Not sure why but it was definitely more satisfying.
Randomize
