So I made him an imaginary sandwich and told him that the day I didn't have to fake it, neither would he.
Last night I dreamed I was having gay sex in prison. That's the last time we go to theme night at the club.
I don't know what's worse, the fact that my parents own a sex swing or the fact that my little cousin was playing on it
This is one of the fundamental differences between you and I. If I found meat in a plastic bag, I wouldn't put it in my mouth.
just had to re-breakup with her. it was like shooting a dead horse that was crying and talking.
She's been drinking and was roller blading. I'm sure you can do the math
We would have taken you home with us, but you were outside the bar measuring a randoms stream of piss by walking along side it... you said you were only at 32 feet and it still had a couple of grooves to hit.
I couldn't get past the raccoon on my porch so i slept on my lawn.
The sad thing was my husband told her its ok to make out with me. Bar Tuesdays will live on regardless.
Somebody really needs to come home and pick up the used condom from the middle of the wood room floor. It's blue, if that helps decide who comes - uh, home.
I was kind of torn between "Wow, this is awkward," and "Wow, my therapist is hung."
I just climbed out the passenger side of my car because there was a spider on mine. I'm doing adulthood right
body shots are frowned upon at family weddings. i'll keep that in mind next time. maybe.
His whole street is under construction. Third walk of shame this week & I'm getting a lot of sympathetic nods from the workers.
I can now recognize that when my wine bottle reaches a certain point, I probably shouldn't tweet, text or call anyone. RESPONSIBILITY
Randomize
