You know what, matt, a girl is not really that interested in a relationship if she goes down on you the first time she meets you
Came home and the girl was sitting on the steps "talking" on her ipod touch AND was halfway done eating a raw cucumber.
I just want to get to the point in our relationship where I can get on top of her and fart and we can both laugh...not just me.
the boy next to me on the plane handed me a shot glass, then a perkaset, and told me to have a good week off..hellllo spring break.
Should I feel bad that my boyfriend pays for my birth control and his friends get to reap the benefits?
I think my penis ruined a perfectly good friendship.
U owe me five dollars for that paper towel you bet i wouldnt eat last night
It was a cry at the bar alone type of night, served with a side of passing out facedown in my nachos.
If it's any consolation, I've been sitting in the hallway in assless chaps for the past thirty minutes
my goal was to make out with as many people dressed as batman as possible. I have my priorities.
She seriously spent 30 minutes trying to make balloon animals out of my limp dick...
...
Exactly.
A very confused plastic surgeon just called. Apparently I called asking how much it costs to get a vodka funnel installed straight to my brain...
Come back. Shots need mouths.
The hospital waiting room is starting to become a very familiar place to me.
You started singing Baby Shark, screamed you have no idea how it goes, then somehow turned the beat into Bohemian Rhapsody
Randomize
