I put my bosses number in my phone as "Do not call," I shouldve known my drunk curiosity would overcome any desire I had to keep my job.
again?
I told her you were a premature ejaculator. She nodded and said "Really? Wow, how long's he been a Pilot for?"
you are both the best and worst wingman ever.
She's clinging to me like a horny koala.
She is ok w me having sex for money. Just gotta find rich grandmas.
He kept stopping sex to whisper in my ear, and the only thing I could understand was "double stuffed oreos"
Letting two friends screw at my place in exchange for weed. This is my life.
Her dad high fived me on the way out the door. Not the reaction i expected after she came so loud.
the amount of chicks and firearms here is unnerving. this will end awesomely or at the morgue.
I just want my birth control to stop making me feel like I'm watching baby seals get clubbed to death any time anything even remotely unpleasant happens lol
You in for a dick vacation?
YES, even though I have no idea what that means
He stopped his car in the middle of ongoing traffic to ask me to marry him. Then he got pulled over. Yeah I'd say the slutty Dallas Cowboys costume was a success.
Your hotness may or may not have landed him in jail.
I smell like a skunk, but I'm okay with that.
"I wonder if vinegar is some sort of magical hangover cure" "...no I was definitely still drunk and drinking vinegar because I was thirsty"
I fully support your bad decision but I do not approve of your unironic use of the word yolo
Correction: Jimmy johns. The one pita pit employee has been an asshole to me ever since you locked them out of the store
Randomize
