he spent the whole night trying to convince me into a2m. i won't even use the pb til i clean the jelly knife. i love him but it's not going to happen.
I can feel you judging me through the phone.
note to self..putting cheap vodka in a bottle of grey goose does not make it taste better
his pick up line was "wanna get a pizza and fuck?"
did it work
that's not the point...
He came into the hospital yelling "HEY EVERYBODY! REMEMBER ME?"
Totally just locked myself outside of my house, in my robe, with the fedex man and a box of sex toys. Not my week.
12 trash cans filled with water. Beer cans floating in each, 12 ft apart. Dodgeball. Ultimate beer pong.
Rules. We have to wear superhero outfits
We ran out of ice cubes so I used ice cream. Everyone thought that was the plan all along. I just went with it.
you duct taped a twenty to your thigh just in case and passed out.
I kind of want to throw a lot of things at him. Mostly blunt, heavy objects.
I put a zucchini in my pussy for you
I said his dick tasted like a Hawaiian Sweet Roll. And then I yelled MAHALO.
We walked 3 miles to the strip club. Stopped for roadies, it wasn't that bad.
Oh man. I threw up in the first cab. Got kicked out. Roamed somewhere for awhile. Fell asleep in the back if the second cab. Woke up in my underwear on the living room floor with a frozen pizza (thawed) laying next to me
hot take: drunk me can walk through walls?
Randomize
