Update from family reunion: my aunt Janet once got her legs stuck behind her head. The fire department had to be called.
He like poked it twice with the tip of his tongue then left it alone. I'm sad.
Since when do you wear a bracelet?
Not a bracelet. Half a pair of handcuffs
This is the 4 year anniversary of the last time I shit my pants. Let's get drunk...
the girls on my floor started fighting over who got to keep the random hoodies that boys forgot in my room after sex
there was a 40 knocked over. chips and salsa all over the floor. and she was in her thong doing boot camp on demand in the middle of the room..
i felt obligated to tell him happy birthday since we trashed his house and i fucked his friend in his basement
It was huge And he was twirling it around. Im telling you, beautiful wonderpenis
do you actually have a paper bowl full of broken glass and ecstasy or was that just a dream?
My little brother just suggested we drink the rest of the vodka because it's raining. My job is complete.
I was seriously concerned she had died since she wasn't moving at all, but then I asked here where she was last night and her response was to hip thrust the air.
I gave the guy a $20 tip on a $9 cab ride, he thought I was just bad at math but I was really just incredibly thankful to be alive and home.
I was like "don't worry, I'm a math major and you deserve the shit out of that 222% tip"
I did a trust fall off the bar and then almost got into a knife fight over a push up competition. Just another Tuesday.
the girls would appreciate it if you invited over some drunk, single, straight men with low standards.
I finally realized he drank way too much when he tried serenading me to the song "come my lady" while slowly and creepily making his way toward me...keeping constant eye contact.
Randomize
