Apparently at one point I was wearing my sweatshirt backwards like it was normal and then I threw up into the hood. Never drinking again.
Yeah. He most definitely jizzed himself in the face.
hahah your definitly as dumb as I think I thought you are. boom roasted.
We just walked into this party and immediately got handed a grilled cheese sandwhich....
I've realized that you're the only friend i can rely on to drink with me any given day. i thank you for that.
We need somewhere to take these girls. Otherwise it's a orgy in the Mazda.
So you have no knowledge as to why I am hearing loud repetitive mooing from next door?
Omg calling you in 10 to update you on who I peed on last night
I don't understand how she could dump me AFTER we had shower sex. I'm fucking great at shower sex
He tried to finger me at Disneyland! He tried to taint the happiest place on earth!
Aside from the fact that im drinking wine straight from the bottle to save doing dishes, im also standing in front of the oven to save turning on the heater. its gonna be a rough winter.
There still is not and there never will be anything as magical as getting high while listening to William Shatner's version of Bohemian Rhapsody.
Not gonna make it. My ovaries are playing laser tag
You can fuck right off with that, "If the earthquake isnt bigger than 5.0, we native Californians dont get out of bed." I am from Chicago. I can handle freak flash floods, polar vortexes and tornados. But my bed violently shaking at 6:30 in the morning is cause for some understandable concern.
We were in the uber and you were crying because you wanted to be an Olympic gymnast. The driver tried to console you and you just cried harder
Randomize
