the #6 from wendy's when stoned is definitely better than sex. i dont care what anyone says.
you might get a letter about the baby you put in me. i was mad when i sent it.
My mom is getting really tired of hearing the excuse 'it's 5 oclock somewhere'
Doctor took one look at my penis and said, 'you don't have herpes, you just masturbate too much'
I might have a beer. Just to keep this hangover on its toes.
Okay well someone asked "IS HE HOMELESS?" about me so I need to try and find somebody.
guess who's eating a vending machine cheese danish, has no panties on, and is still the classiest bitch at this bus stop?
Nothing is more important than the last pool party of the season. Call in sick or gay or something.
yep you were here saturday. if you woke up smelling like vanilla i can explain.
Is re-gifting a Valentine's Day present worse than re-gifting a Xmas one?
You're unbelievable, unbelievably awesome.
Orientation leader success, day 1: incoming freshman just ate out his first sorority girl. I gave him a 7/10.
Bored of what? I stayed up all night researching sex toys because I'm excited to do things with you that I haven't done in 29 years of having a body.
Well you know I have tits so that's half the battle
i got woken up by a cockroach crawling onto my hand and now i'm pretty sure i'll never be clean again
all i know is that i woke up at 12:00 am in a shower with egg shell in my hair. i am 90% sure you are responsible.
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