I just went through her cupboards. Eye patch and sword. nowhere near each other. different shelfs.
I think I am morally bankrupt
...you put a chicken patty in my toaster last night..
where are you?
Hypothermia
He just walked into my room in a robe with a cooking pot of cereal.
I got kicked out because I puked again I'm on the fire truck outside
like a dude with a badge in a golf cart is gunna do shit. Unless he has a tazer. Then it's fair game.
I just sprawled out on my bedroom floor and cried while shoveling chocolate into my mouth.. I should not have Bacardi at home
I just find it funny that nobody ever threatens to call the cops on us until we have a Harry Potter party
I tried to smoke out of half a banana, and lit my nose hair on fire. So I feel like that sums up my life pretty well.
Some old bald man is a 100,000 dollar Audi sports car just revved his engine at me and held out his phone at me trying to get my number. I hate the valley.
She's the prison bitch to my Martha Stewart.
I wish period tracker had a "on this day" also so i can see who i was with this day last year.
You sent me a very drunk love letter
Was it the one about pterodactyls?
I was disappointed I thought you actually loved me
He burst in the bathroom while I was peeing to hand me my beer I was looking for earlier tht night. And my pants were already down so I thought why not
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