it's like i warped into dreamland and the only thing that makes sense is my solo cup
If I say "It's good enough" and I'm not talking about a sandwhich, that's your queue to stop me, you're supposed to be my friend.
I forgot it was 4/20. that COMPLETELY explains the 7/11. i was like "that's a lot of white dudes... and they're really into snacking."
I feel as if I owe my bloodstream some tequila.
Fuck, now I'm not only the other woman, but the pregnant one
Im beginning to think that if I ever write an autobiography it will have to be mostly fill in the blank.
So you had sex with my brother?
It sounds like you dont need me to answer that.
I think the camel was justified in biting me.
I come back upstairs and she's leaning over sink full of vomit saying 'oh my god it's the chili'
I brought a travel sized bottle of baby powder and sprinkled it on all of the couples making out on the wall in the basement
Pretty sure I love my nipple piercing more than I'll love my children someday
No, it's like a legit blood drive. It's not just her out in some parking lot with needles and ziplock bags
I smell Vodka. It's me. If anyone asks it's totally hand sanitizer.
yes we're having sex but I'm texting you...so what does that tell you?
Because, after all, nothing quite says life in 2020 than doing laundry at 9:40 on a Friday morning to make sure you have masks and underwear.
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