I fell asleep on the toilet again last night...
She is in my trunk
My little sister just found a condom in her bag i borrowed... Happy fourteenth birthday.
theres a middle aged lesbian couple holding hands on the bus and a 17 or 18 year old christian girl visibly staring freaked out and audibly praying about it
I'm sober enough to realize she looks like a man, but drunk enough to do it anyways
we ended up on her 9 year old brothers bed and he saw the whole thing.... now he will know how to use his equipment
I'd just like to give a shout out to jesus and plan b for making this day possible.
I want to miss work tomorrow on account of violent projective vomit... Make it happen
They can be so fun, drunk bruises are like clues to the treasure of what actually happened last night. "why do I have a bruise on my belly button? oh right. i was trying to turn my stomach off so I would stop throwing up."
And by go well you mean everyone's hammered right?
Yupp. And someone's bleeding
Realistically you can't tell me you're gonna put mashed potatoes on your dick and expect me not to get excited
If I walk downstairs and Kelly is fucking in the laundry room again I'm gonna die
I'm kind of upset that he wanted to have sex instead of watch Harry Potter. I mean it's Harry fucking potter.
I tried to face swap with Chuck Norris. His face was too powerful... it broke my snap chat.
The stripper started talking about murdering people....that lapdance turned dark.....
Randomize
