I started drinking at 10.30am. Ive got a solid buzz, ive decided holidays are to be treated like gamedays
You stuck your head out the window to puke and got hit with a mailbox.
Remind me if I threw up on you last night or if that was just a dream.
I told him "thank you for wearing a turtleneck yesterday, I no longer have a strong erg to have sex with you. " He is no longer speaking to me.
quick, send me a pic of a fat chick eating ice cream in a bikini. no joke, no questions, just do it.
You are a finance major, can I use my 529 account for your bail?
no. i discovered the *exact* amount of drugs i need to do to understand calculus.
Drove by a cop already pulling someone over and toasted him with my bong
It's 4 in the afternoon........
Sooo a reasonable response to someone eating my lunch is to set the place on fire right?
Well. I hope my dad likes whatever sweater stoned me picks out.
I think I'm just going to go like every guy on tinder who has a jetski. I'm doing this for us, Summer is coming.
As for the other mouse...I don't have any mouse traps so I put a Jell-O shot on the ground. Party hard little dude.
You told me I got kicked out of the bar for lipping off to the bouncers... what shocked me the most was that I made it to the bar
I just woke up butt-naked in bed with a guy I've never seen..I reached into my bag next to the bed to get my phone and found a bag of shrooms, a handle of vodka, and 600 dollars that I've never seen. what do I do
enjoy it.
As soon as he called me 'darling' in that Scottish accent... my pants just dropped.
Randomize
