I just got hit by a car and apologized to the driver. I asked him if he was okay.
he showed me his boner with his cell phone light during the movie.
i'm smoking hookah in a kayak. how did this happen.
Apparently shes in the bathroom puking but eating a pot roast she found in the fridge at the same time.
Just jerked off to Cameron Diaz in "My Sister's Keeper". New low.
I'm paying a homeless guy $20 to follow me around bars tonight with a boombox playing the theme to Rocky.
she wanted to watch hairspray while we fucked. she's obviously your kinda girl, dude.
He decided not to draw dicks on my face when I passed out because he was afraid I'd retaliate and superglue his dick to his stomach....he knows me too well.
Nice. I ate a jello shot out of a bovine blow up doll's love hole last night
I may or may not be taking a bath listening to the Phantom of the Opera. This lovely moment brought to you by xanax.
When we were fucking he said and I quote "we're like a sex fajita"
Come make me food. I feel like if I go in the kitchen I will just get Gin.. and pass out in there.
I sent you a snap of me in the bath, and you sent me a snap of a taco. An actual taco.
I might be offended if you don't bang me tomorrow. You know, for America.
Apparently my hair turned out really good because I got my butthole licked by a stranger last night
Randomize
