I'll be waiting for you under the stairs with peanut butter and tequila ... Don't tell the neighbors
you left your dildo in my car
rules of finders keepers apply
Is he smart?
Why would i know that. That would deal with the top half of his body. I only deal with the bottom half.
I'm too drunk to be surrounded by this many indians
How do you manage to be drunk and a racial minority so often?
I am the master of subtle flirting. I seduced him by simulating a hand job with an epi-pen during training.
This adderall has me convinced I'm an Econ major.
She gives me Chlamydia and somehow I'm still the asshole
There's always time for handjobs
Just found the cutest bag of coke under my bed. I'm going to get fucked up and bleach the cat vomit out of my sheets.
I didnt say frisky time, just alone time, to chat, or watch a show, or stare into one anothers eyes, or souls, or asses, whatever you straight people do
If you're not peeing in public bi-monthly, you're not really living.
It was only funny because some guy across the street was getting his mail and he just stopped and watched me throw up everywhere
Any man who can do squats while fucking you is a man worth keeping.
In the officer's defense, I was indeed pantless at the time he cuffed me, but there's a perfectly good explanation.
I feel like I haven't slapped your ass in years. This will be awesome.
Randomize