just passed a tour group on my way home. the guide actually said: 'and THAT kids is whats known as the walk of shame'
She made me put my jeans under her mattress so that I wouldn't leave in the morning while she was still sleeping. Apparently I just look like "that guy".
i have a bunch of little boys around me trying to hit on me
dont be selfish, show some boob
My picture of a beer can in a McDonalds cup full of ice got more likes than my relationship with her. Is beer THAT much better than monogamy?
I was just informed that I have the perfect belly button for body shots... Best compliment ever.
What would you do if your asshole suddenly made the sound of a sheep duck baa/quacking the words kill me
You are so incredibly one of a kind, it's astounding
I just tried to brush my hair with a can opener. Who gave you that brownie
i just smoked marajunia from a shotgun barrell. what have you done today?
When you licked the fourth stranger's cheek the bar tender pretty much ordered us to get you out.
Thanksgiving day drinking ended up with me in a shopping cart screaming where are the bitches and condoms. I'd say it went well.
I'm not sure why he thinks weird that I masturbate AND look at pinterest at the same time.
sometimes you just gotta rip off the nipple tape and get it done.
I had to explain to an ER nurse that I burned my dick playing onion ring toss today, your social awkwardness hardly compares.
He fucks strippers and doesn’t have a life plan. Of course I’m going to regret this
I pointed at him and said “there goes mr fuckwad”
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