I can only masturbate in one position. It's very inconvenient.
I'm going to go hang out on a giant wooden pirate ship for 5 days.
You know your in college when you use the receipt from the liquor store as a bookmark
I'm going to buy you a pony but under one condition: you have to name it sarah jessika parker
Who would have guessed that on my moms birthday she'd have sex with the door open. :(
just spent $80 on an im sorry breakfast from mcdonalds for everyone sleeping in my apartment for being a drunkass and locking everyone out of the apartment at 2am.
I was mid hand job and stopped me because he wanted to "connect" which meant putting his thumb in between my eyebrows and a hand over my heart and closing our eyes...
trust me. coming from a bonafide dirtbag, this dude is up to shady shit
Idk what y'all are doing but I just want you to know I'm home and if I hear him say "slap it" one more time I'm moving out
I am at the car wash dressed as a turn of the century librarian
I legitimately thought he died. I even called his mom at 3am and told her. Im done with vodka.
I just saw puke on the road at the same stoplight i threw up at sunday morning! Makes me smile inside.
I'm with jana at walgreens picking out penis rings.... Did you know they sell vibrators at walgreens? Wtf?
we found her on the beach half naked talking to a palm tree
Which half?
Just confirming I will be washing my asshole at your house at approximately 2:45 tomorrow afternoon.
The strangest confirmation message ever sent.
Randomize
