ok so the lil girl sitting behind u was picking the hairs off ur sisters back and putting them in her mouth
suddenly, hermaphrodite night sounds like a really bad idea
Legitimately semi-blackout across the table from the governor off a chardonnay i can't even pronounce.
So I cleaned out my gym bag. Found half a bottle of malibu.
You know, I could pretend I'm shocked but what's the use?
I mean, how many people can say they helped surgically remove something from their body? Other than the guy that got his hand stuck under a rock and cut it off. Doesn't count
traded hat for shot of whiskey. lovah yo life. only ADVENTURE NOW. OH GOD IT WENT TO CAPS LOCK
Apparently blowing a .28 for a cop and then kissing her on the mouth is technically assaulting a police officer. Who knew.
I hope after we constantly bang for 2 days straight we can agree to be friends again
A giant panda just asked me for a cigarette and said "man pandas gotta smoke too." There is something wrong with this place.
When the neighbors threatened to call the cops, he yelled at them that American laws didnt apply to him because he was Danish. He then sang his own version of "America fuck yeah" along to daft punk, then fell down the porch steps. Can we keep him?!?!
Woke up with an e-cig stuck in my asshole. Explain.
I just learned in class that female whales slap their fins against the water and then ten males come and fight for her yet we can't get guys to text us back
wouldn't be a true Fourth of July without dropping acid at 9pm on a Monday
FREEDOM
Omg I just woke up in his bed.. I'm fully clothed and he is naked. I'm so confused.
not even sure this counts as hungover but like my body can't exist in reality today
Randomize
