please stop taking shits in my toilet and leaving them there.
Waitress cut us off at Chili's bar. New low
You probably havent been upstairs if you think that the microwave missing its door is bad
having to delete all your hookups stored in your phone as first name followed by frat/bar after they've graduated is such a bittersweet feeling
They're like penises that have been put in a blender.
Calling yourself a modern day Geisha doesn't justify being a whore.
He just invited me over to bang on a sunday afternoon. If I can make it top the time I went to a strip club on fathers day then I'll consider it a success.
They had their heads out of the car singing the wrong words to the national anthem as we drove through traffic of people leaving the fireworks. AMURICA
I've justified worse with less. I had sex with your brother because he was wearing a nice sweater
I got another blow job proposal last night. Skills.
I knew things were bad when my gyno recommended meditation.
I'll admit it. It was a bad idea to sneak a fart out while she was taking a nap. Can you bring me a pair of underwear from my dresser. Preferably the one with the walruses in party hats one.
Dude. She was wearing nothing but Wonder Woman panties and a flag for a cape and sneaking around leaving PBR's by passed out people for the morning. She called herself the 'Merica Fairy.
Why haven't you proposed already?
Election Day 2016 shall forever live in infamy as the day when I hobbled through my neighborhood, mascara melting down my face, wearing one slipper and a cast, blood and cum all over my skirt, carrying a box of wine, and no one even noticed.
I have been adopted by a clan of drunken skinny dipping tourists.
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