WTF. you left me with no condoms and you ate all my mac and cheese. scumbag.
At the doctor. They're doing a flu test now. He was like "where do you think you got this?" I said "bachelor party. Strippers." he goes "okaaaay I'll put 'other'."
Dude someone is playing the piano in the other room while I shit and it's making it really peaceful
she might purposely get aids just to give it to you. I think she might hate you that much.
Woke up with string cheese braided into my hair- literally braided
He called his prostate his "boner button".
Just took 4 secret shots in his bathroom to not remember him naked.
I have your car and your sandals. My shoes are somewhere under the puke couch. Safari time.
I'm trying to get fucked by 4 girls here, and you're worried about verb tenses?!
Funny how I'm trusting a magic 8 ball I found in the kids toy section to tell me about my sex life
I got the job! The hiring manager is the sister of a guy I slept with so its like I'm a real adult now
Hey babe! Random question. Do you by chance have the pic of my nipples covered with ninja turtles band aids? Thanks.
I'll do anything with you, except downhill sports and butt stuff.
He was trying to break into my apartment to get the coke he left last night, didn't engage parking break, so the van started rolling. yup, it's broken.
you ripped my door off of the hinges, kicked it in half and then proceeded to throw it down the stairs because i wouldn't make you a cheese burger
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