true best friends attempt to put quarters in each others butts. Thanks for the best birthday ever!
He like poked it twice with the tip of his tongue then left it alone. I'm sad.
I swear god or herbie drove my car home
Either allow it in a formal toast or i will drunkenly tell your in-laws while i'm dancing on their table. either way, the truth is coming out
After he came inside me, he made us hold hands and pray that I wasn't pregnant.
Don't play hard to get, I've seen some of the girls you've slept with.
I'd appreciated it if you didn't lick my boyfriends face again. I'm askin nicely. Thank you.
My lips are sealed. Both pairs.
I'm like the kid who wants his birthday and christmas equally. Every time I get one I want the other. Only I don't want holidays I want brothers
Siri just called me GayBoy in front of my family. I will destroy you.
we're going to the olympic park to run the 100m yeaaaahhh
it's 3am. Nothing could possibly go wrong here.
No. Way more drunk than the night I put a snowball in my purse "for later" and woke up to find everything soaking the next day.
But less drunk than the day that Pete took four of your birth control pills thinking they were Advil, right?
Why am I cleaning the house twerking to anaconda wearing a bears jersey and helmet?
Finally get to put my practical writing degree to use! I'm writing a craigslist ad for a threesome
My life is just a trash fire of work and Japanese video games now
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