This is why I shouldn't be left alone with liquor and anticipation.
I found my laptop, credit card, and a bottle of Morgan all on the counter this morning. I'm scared to see what gets delivered to my house this week.
I just realized I had sex more when i looked like a fat elton john. Fuck my life.
he woke up with $200 in his pocket and had to buy his cell phone back from a hobo at the bus stop.
Where would I incorporate "your boyfriend fucked the shit out of me last night" before or after Merry Christmas bitch?
Got a handy at the foam party. Took girl home. Banged her. Thanked her for foam handy. "what handy?"
And now I have fucked a local celebrity so double free drinks at bars.
You threw a shot glass at the bartender and still managed to convince him to let us drink more. You are my hero.
he pushed me in the lake knowing full well I had joints on me. that's drug-abuse!!
He wanted me to come over on Christmas...inviting your fuck buddy over for the holidays is just something you don't do.
Blood everywhere...karaoke was nice
Why are we so great
Like I'm def going to a therapist but I wouldn't change a thing about us except maybe the peeing
Riding your boyfriend's dick for an hour then waitressing for 8 hours. Would not recommend.
Do not ever look at a picture of an erect ostrich penis. You will regret it.
How was I supposed to know the accent was fake before i slept with him
Randomize
