a kid in a transformers shirt tried to pick me up last night at work. he also rolled up on a bicycle, the kind with pedals. do i look that easy?
A woman in the waiting room at the STD clinic told me that she is going to pray to jesus for my penis.
and people in Baltimore still get a bad wrap.
seagrams + popov + pineapple + milk. there, ur search for worlds worst drink is over. you're welcome
He made a note in his iPhone tonight so that he would remember that I rejected him.
the last thing i remember was trying to convince him to call over his girlfriend so we could have a threesome
I opened my browser to a doctor page titled "serious pain under left side of ribcage". Last night must have been healthy.
wait a second... your telling me you want me to take you to the bank at 10 on a tuesday so you can buy a blow up pool and fill it with beer?
yes... and buy you lunch
My mom asked me to donate my child hood stuffed animals to the poor then I realized I was hiding liquor behind them. I told her I was too attached to them. She understood. Wrong in so many ways.
nothing says "we're all in this together" like the herpes she passed around to our entire group of friends
So you have no knowledge as to why I am hearing loud repetitive mooing from next door?
he was once again the drunkest girl at the party
There was an unopened condom by my car when I went to pick it up this morning. Someone may have fucked on the hood of my car last night. Don't think it was me but I can't rule it out 100%.
Yeah I'm at the doctors getting a shotand don't know how to tell them I'm still probably drunk from last night
I don't know if I want to fuck him or punch him in the face.
no it was
but you compared your dick to a female disney character
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