new low: my hungover self just mistook bacon grease for mashed potatoes. worst. mistake. ever.
Santa Clause just drove by me on a fire truck. Epic night begins.
my mom found all the used condoms in my bed side table
whatd she say to you?
no words- put them all in a circle, put the bible in the middle
votings over. no more wacking it to anti christine o'donnell ads
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Trial is expected to last a fucking week if I get chosen.
To be fair, you are the kind of person I want to be on the jury when I inevitably end up in front of one.
I was thinking more like a "sorry you can hear us, but I'm having the best sex of my life" cake
Stoned, drunk, and walking into the library. Look at me multitasking!
The only difference between us and a pack of 14 year old girls is substance abuse
A stripper just invited me to her daughter's birthday. Where did my life go wrong?
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
oh. oh my god. i just had lunch with my mom with semen still on my face.
Drunk me just left a note for sober me apologizing for all the fucking crumbs in our bed
As a rule...I don't sleep with my friends or watch movies with talking dogs
His parents bailed him out, the police said they found him on a curb trying to call people on his wallet, hahha. He had his wallet open to his ear callin people
So I said "fuck it" and made myself a sandwich
What's a really polite way of saying "you have gravely overestimated the value of your vagina?"
Randomize