It was her 21st and she had one drink and fell asleep. I hate 90lb girls.
Drunk wheelbarrow races might make the top 10 list of dumb shit weve done. Especially considering all the broken glass around...
captain cockblock got me again last night so i put a squirrel in his room and jamed the door shut
You're putting the star player on the bench. You dont put Michael Jordan on the bench.
Are you referring to my vagina as Michael Jordan?
Btw kudos to your tongue last night. Sorry about that lady jizz in your beard.
yea talk to her if you feel up to it. Just remember who you are
Oh shit sorry I just gave lion king advice sorry not mufasa
he would snap chat his dick as like Harry Potter
Just got offered cocaine at ihop. Stay classy America.
Trying to stay sober at a family function but hiccuping so fucking loud. "Have you been drinking?" I hit on my cousin so yeah. I have been drinking.
My idiot ex texted me on Valentine's day to tell me I was right, he did need a therapist.
Something like; Dear Cupid, when are you going to send me someone to date that isn't a complete psychopath
SPICY FOODS AND BLOWJOBS DON'T MIX.
YOU SAID YOU'D TRY ANYTHING ONCE YOU LIAR
Did I see you at the bar last night?
Yes. You just kept grabbing my boobs and saying how much better they are than yours...
One of these days I would like to go out drinking and stick to plan of just getting drunk and not be sidetracked with other people's plans of doing drugs along the way. I didn't even want to not feel my teeth tonight but here we go just another Thursday night when you live I live
I always know im high when I can't remember how to pee.
Randomize
