Just walk through the Honors dorm on a Saturday night. You'll feel better about yourself.
I got laid because I told her I play guitar. I haven't played in 7 years and only know a G chord. I love this place.
I wish a night of watching Dear John and a bottle of wine could cure my herpes.
Nobody knew what to do when it was dead. You said fire up the George Foreman, I've never ate baby shark. She hasn't stopped crying.
we just finished a porn and sex toy shopping spree. this is the fun part of "being serious"
I legit just woke up on my couch, snuggled up next to some guy who's wearing my roommate's pink bathroble. What the fuck do they put in those shots?
Definitely sounds like it's time for some eggs with a side of strap on
All i've had today is coffee and ketchup packets. I need a job like yesterday.
Seriously, you can't give someone's wife an orgasm on the dance floor of a gay nightclub and then hang out with her husband the following week
We have 24 days left before I leave for college and 21 condoms left in the stockpile. Are you up for the challenge?
I'm sitting in Starbucks, waiting for direction in my life, or it to be 8 p.m. Whatever comes first.
if you come you're not allowed to wear pants. if you arrive wearing pants you won't be wearing them long.
I'm torn between regretting everything and regretting nothing.
If I'm legally allowed to go to jail than I should legally be allowed to tell a cop to fuck off. Basic principles.
Yea, but did you really have to throw a sandwich at him??
No one can touch me, I'm made of fruit.
Randomize
