i really wish facebook had an app for when you are looking at a chick's photo album, you could just skip to the ones where she and/or her friends are dressed like skanks
you know you've been in a long relationship when u start retiring sex toys
i woke up and my collection of plastic neon wayfarers were half-melted in the microwave. my drunk self hates my hipster self
He told me his mother taught him that move. What the hell do I say to that?
i cant cry in cvs. not again.
I just stole a cupcake from somebody's bottle service
And I got $4 when somebody made it rain.
Only I can have a panic attack in the back seat of a cop car and have them move me to the front seat.
I'm convinced my penis is the only thing holding this relationship together.
Why did the fire extinguisher taste lemony?
I cannot be with a girl who won't let me come home on my lunch break, eat spicy ranch and watch Breaking Bad without pants on. #lesbianproblems
Well you busted in the house and yelled with pride about Uber giving you a ride over with your new bong.
Why did my mother make you get naked?
If one more person says Merry Christmas to me I’m going to take a pen out of my pocketbook and stab them in the eye
His dick has the same name as my pipe. I'm keeping him forever.
Nah, we’re just sitting around talking about different kinds of boners
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