When She took off her bra.... A tube of lipgloss, her phone, I.D. And a wad of twenties fell out.... I'm officially no longer a butt man
That girl that gave me a blowjob, I think I fired her last year.
Well I went on a freakin rampage and destroyed a fan and claimed that it wasn't doing its fan duties... Then I knocked on everybody's doors in the hall and asked if they were content with their fan's performance and if not I would take care of it...
There should be an app that tazers me in my pocket when I'm spending too much money at the bar. Take a hint, Android Network. You slut.
i'm totally cool with all the dick sucking you're doing down there, but as your brother i think i'm supposed to warn you our parents will be home in 5
I learn from experience and I experienced what it would be like to completely lose my mind and then wake up with a stab wound.
whatever the appropriate amount of shots is to consider drunken acrobatics a good idea was a few less than I actually had
2 reasons we need to wear those onesies to the bar more ofter 1) comfy as shit 2) we both still got laid\n\nHow can you resist that kinda night?
I'm drunk and I have your birth certificate
i just found a red feather stuck to my penis and i really wanted to send you a picture but too much
I DESERVE A BEADED TATTOOED MAN I'VE WANTED ONE FOR SO LONG
BEARDED TATTOOED MEN ARE PEOPLE AND NOT THINGS TO BE GIVEN FREELY
Peanut butter and whiskey is not a dinner
Dude, you need to come and get her. She's sitting on the bathroom floor making hearts with her menstrual blood. And remind me never to let her do jello shots again
fyi: first time in five days i havent washed my birth control down with liquor. when are we going out tonight?
There's a big ass bed, hella ecstasy, and I can guarantee you'll regret every second that you remember.
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