I think I tried picking up these girls last night by asking them what their favorite color was...I obviously woke up alone
Just threw up in a trash can by the ATM. Then pulled out money for weed.
He just ordered a bottle of Beam at an Italian place for us to share.
So, I found out he was eating a jolly rancher while eating me out.. Hence the yeast infection.
I found his retainer in my ass crack. It smells like shame.
I don't care how stoned you are, I'm not driving to a different state for a burrito
He chipped a tooth on the first beer. You know the night is just going to be a slushy mess after that.
How sad is it that I'm looking in the farm & garden section of craigslist to find a weed dealer. I mean, that's where they'd be right? Just gotta break the code.
Nice just gets you lonely or dead. I don't like those options.
Be proud. All I did last night was roll around in my nun costume selling drugs. I love Halloween.
Why is your ex naked in my apartment?
I felt I lost my designated buddy on a field trip when you wandered off to get high with strangers.
I punched the bar tender after he cut me off. Hopped over the bar and made my own drink. That's how I got tazed
Intoxication Level: I'm as graceful and flawless as a fucking dinosaur.
Most people that see those numbers aren't going to realize what they mean and those that do will think 'oh those must be her favorite hockey players' and not 'oh she wants to see those hockey players fuck each other'.
Randomize
