Hey was my sperm eye the same day I crapped myself?
if pee wee herman would have taken a snuggie to the movies he wouldnt have gotten caught
Apparently in gay bars the restroom signs are just a formality. Its a free for all in there
Well, he's moving. Now my only options are to accept it or fake a pregnancy; and since you are my only pregnant friend I'm going to need you to pee on this stick for me.
theres a new barista at starbuck holy fuck she's hot
i want to face-plant into her vagina
I'm about to fuck a girl in an old school Tony Kukoc Bulls jersey. About to earn my third championship ring in sex
And then my hands went numb and no one believed me so I started putting peoples cigarettes out on them. Shitty idea i'll tell you that much
You also hate cartoons and musicals, so I will take that to mean the movie was as awesome as I thought it was..smoke weed
yea I went to the store high again.. I think we're having pie for dinner.
Accidentally searched up "pizza pasties" instead of "pizza pastries". I was not disappointed.
Google Maps needs to have a hungover setting. That bitch talks too loud and all I want is breakfast tacos & a bloody fucking mary.
I woke up this morning cradling my vibrator like it was a baby
This is why people in Buffalo die of heart attacks. This and wings
How do you nicely stand up a date that you're skipping for a 3sum
It was a crazy night: tears were shed, blood was spewed, and bottles were emptied.
Randomize
