I read the police report. You asked the cop if you could use his in-car computer to update your facebook. No way you get out of a DUI.
so i am drinking whiskey and watching home alone 2 by myself. it turns out moving to a foreign country isn't all that different after all.
Life is so much better when you know you're gonna get laid soon.
I tried really hard to get you laid last night. And by that I mean I asked a bunch of dudes if they were top or bottom.
Why does it always end up with me crying in my car.
These pissing matches have to stop. They led to last night's scotch through the nose shots. I'll never smell again.
Favor? Can you not wear as much glitter on your face this time? Walking in the house looking like a disco ball was enough embarrassment for the week 😒
I can only get day drunk because of my medicine now, so... There's that
You just managed to turn Doctor Seuss into a sext. I really like you now.
All I ever do is give guys anxiety problems and flaccid penises.
The awkward moment your booty call shows up to the Mexican restaurant and realizes you just picked burritos over pussy
i don't know when underwear became an acceptable clothing choice for parties, but god help me i hope this isn't a passing trend.
Grumpy Cat is dead and fuck EVERYTHING.
Now I am free. And I want to go meet men. My phone deleted all my contacts, and I consider this to be a new beginning. With a new man in my phone book.
You ever fart so hard it made you cum a little? A "friend of mine" wanted to know.
Randomize
