dude, i just saw a bobcat while i was rollerblading this morning
1 dont ever text someone @ 8am on sat. 2 dont ever admit to rollerblading past 1992.
you should buy a sheep. A) you get an awesome pet. B) free coat
He showed me a four inch blond hair that grows out of his side. He calls it his little ray of sunshine. Please come get me.
She was raised with a wonderful home life. I can't do anything with that.
I don't know why people felt they couldn't use the toilet with me passed out in the tub. I shut the curtain. It was like being in another room.
Friends help friends remove their foot from the sunroof after an epic smoke sesh.
Most awkward car ride ever. Kid in the front seat was bawling, 2 in the backseat were ready to fight, and I was giving the last kid a handie. This needs to stop happening to us.
Just pissed by glowstick light. Bad idea.
We told you to go get more fire wood and you came running back with a log that was on fire, not drunk at all.
if elf comes on TV one more time i swear to god i will smash my brains out with this fruitcake
You grabbed my shirt and said, "hope you're not attached" and ripped it off before I could answer you.
Sorry I bailed on you yesterday. I was propositioned.
And you don't turn down margaritas and oral.
We found you with your penis in the vacum hose crying softly...
Your vagina must be outstanding or have a secret entrance to Narnia if someone is will to fly from Texas for one night of it.
We've been here for 9 days, so of course I am high at my in-laws' house.
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