yes we were fucking thats why i put "watching a movie" in quotations
obviously my correlation between being a pro surfer and being extremely good in bed was 100% wrong.
Also I feel like 60% of our relationship is based on sausage mcmuffins.
tried to order jimmy johns from the ER last night, the nurses did nottt approve
we already have meals planned for the weekend.
SEMEN IS NOT A MEAL.
Apparently I was the fucked up drunk guy greeting people at the hotel in the lobby last night.
My mom was looking at curtains for me and sent pictures and I had to be like "not the Disney princess pink and purple, more like an acid trip"
okay. well, yeah. i'm a mess and a half. this shit is not what dumbledore died for.
GOIN TO BED BEFORE TEQUILA BLEEDS FROM MY EYEBALLS
Like my new perfume? It's a combination of Fireball, sex and bad decisions.
Oh goddamn. That a super downer Tuesday reality right there. Just hit me with the cold, hard, nasty facts.
She texted me this morning asking why all of her house pillows were inside her mini-van.
So thats where i built my buckingham palace
Who's phone is in my pants and why did I wake up clutching a handle of vlad?
The one time I decide to bring people over you are laying naked on the coffee table watching the ceiling fan cause "it just moves so fast" I'm guessing you got paid today??
Let me call you later. I’m lining up some office dick now that working at home is ending
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