Texts From Last Night · Random Texts

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(301): View more from Maryland

: I need to find myself a plastic surgeon husband so i can get boobs.

(1-301): View more from Maryland

but u need boobs to get one in the first place.

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(609): View more from New Jersey

I totally give up. Optimus Prime just fell from the top of the Great Pyramid into the hypostyle hall at Karnak.

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(440): View more from Ohio

i wish there were pregnant emoticons

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(518): View more from New York

She begged me for sex again. I felt like I was telling a homeless person I didn't have any change.

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(734): View more from Michigan

Is there anything medically wrong with drinking beer from a vagina?

(1-734): View more from Michigan

How did the beer even get there in the first place?

(734): View more from Michigan

That's not what's important right now

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(804): View more from Virginia

he kept telling me that god made these magical balloons called condoms

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(708): View more from Illinois

i almost hope i AM knocked up so i can ruin the rest of his life

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(970): View more from Colorado

Don't you hate falling asleep on the couch with a glass of wine in your hand? It's like dreaming about peeing and then realizing you've peed the bed only stickier.

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(415): View more from California

Now I know Sunday Funday means fucking till you loose your voice.

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