Taking a 35 year old indonesian home, only in vegas ;-)
Pissed on my Blackberry at the Astros game. Wish me luck explaining that one at work.
How do I say "sorry I gave you and your sister herpes" in German?
It was like the Ritz Carlton of jails. I got introduced to our criminal system the right way.
I fucked the bump it out of her hair. just had to let everyone know.
I've broken several federal laws in the name of sex.
I watched her choke out a bouncer with the broken strap from her purse, I think shes the one.
My parole officer gave me condoms and a Starbucks gift card ... happy holidays.
You distracted them by dancing on the stripper pole, I ripped the flag off the wall, stuffed it in my pants and we were out.
Why am I always the sober one?
Cause you're the only one with any sort of self control. It's kinda your super power...
I need a priest, doctor, and therapist after this weekend.
You came walking in the backyard at 10am, in cowboy boots, a new shirt, and had no money,....we lost you for 15 hours....i think you just need a camera crew, or an assistant. IMPRESSED!
I literally have anal toys soaking in the bathroom sink and dinner on the stove. If that doesn't scream "domestic goddess", I don't know what the fuck does.
You have my heart. You only share my vagina.
Yesterday I febreezed my bed in between gentleman callers
There's a fuckload of syrup all over the floor.
Randomize
