hey, what are you doing? my roommates are gone for the night... you should come over ;)
nah, i'm gonna grab some food
I looked at the bar tab this morning. The bartender added a $25 'customer asshole fee'. I have no grounds to dispute it.
Ya know, in a round about way coinstar is just a glorified vending machine for all my bad choices.
You'd think if the campus holds 28,000 undergrad I wouldn't run into three people I've hooked up with in one day
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Well obviously when I get drunk my intelligence level surpasses yours and that's why you can't understand me.
Well, you know sobriety isn't something I like to do on the reg.
Just got a Snapchat of his dick with the caption 'We miss you.'
That's true love, there.
Got drunk and passed out flintstone vitamins to everyone at the bar. I'm just so god damn motherly
It's Breast Cancer Awareness Month!!!! What random hook up should check my tata's this year?!?!
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I thought I needed to get laid. Turns out I just needed pasta.
Is it awkward to pay for your boob job with scholarship money? Either way, it's happening.
Why do I always have at least 8 men with whom I am conducting some sort of poorly planned love experiment?
this vacation is helping with my sexual bucket list so much. threesome, deaf guy, and outdoor sex all accomplished.
I just spent 45 minutes and a really well-put together Power Point trying to convince her to use my dog as baby Jesus in her church's play.
Why am I not drinking beer at 8:26am is the question
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