I have the sudden urge to buy a Snuggie and wear it to the grocery store.
we'll hang out once this whole, "your friends are robbers and drug addicts" thing blows over with my parents.
You never go ass to mouth. That's quite possibly the most important rule Paramedic school has taught me.
The problem with having your drunkeness documented at a wedding is not only does it show up all over facebook, but all over professional photography websites.
Dude i think i got lasagna in my eye
my host sister just stared at me as i knocked over the lamp, then took out all my chocolate, walked into the bathroom, and locked the door. i'm officially the worst exchange student ever.
Well his dad is my dentist so they've both been in my mouth.
I thought the Bane mask would really repel dudes but instead I ended up grinding on a frat dude that whispered "bad bitch contest, you in first place" in my ear in a Batman voice
My gynecologist just said "don't worry, this won't be as hard as…well…" A FUCKING SEX JOKE NO
pretty sure I blew his mind with the sex last night. He repaid me with a five minute conversation about power rangers.
Did I wash my face last night at your house? Where did my eyebrows go??
I yelled at the cab driver to slow down because my unborn children live here, and pointed to my uterus. I think my message was lost in translation though because he immediately offered me his card...
He said he couldn't fuck me cause I kinda looked like my brother
I will pay you in sex, beer and popcorn if you will come fold my clothes for me.
Add free use of your panini press and its a deal.
Deal.
When i said you could use my car and have sex in the back....i wasn't being serious.
Randomize
