I don't think ill make it tonight the floor wont let me walk
im pretty sure that there was a mint leaf in my poop this morning. i love mojito season.
how come the more i say "don't get it in my eyes," the more gets in my eyes
does it bother you that i swallowed like millions of your unborn children
actually, i try not to think about it
and i pooped them out
i can't believe you bought a jetta. you know that's a girl car, right? if i hadn't had sex with you, i'd have no other proof you're straight.
I just heard an old guy ask the chick he was with if she wanted to try ass to mouth...
thanks for that.
I just noticed that my shirt smells like coffee after eating out a Barista
Calling yourself a modern day Geisha doesn't justify being a whore.
I really don't want to. I just don't know how to nicely say "dude I'm having a rough time in life right now and I just need to dress like a stripper cop, get shit faced, and have dirty crazy sex"
I'm having one of my monday morning walk of shame coffees if you care to join.
I just power smoked 3 bongs, ate hot cocoa mix before making hot cocoa, and realized James Spader's character on The Office reminds me of your mom.
my friend was passed out in the bathroom so I threw up in the coffee maker, not the pot the water reservoir that kind of drunk.
It's a sad night when one of your friend texts you that she's going on a date with someone you know and then invites you to maybe have a drink after
I just found peanut butter between my boobs. This was for you.
The awkward moment when you're leaving the most attractive guy you've ever been with and you're trying not to shit on yourself. Fucking welcome to my life
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